Guilt and Grief: Making A Living Amends

Steps 8 and 9 of the standard Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) program address the 12-Step amends process. An apology allows an individual to hear what another person feels, determines what action or behavior is or isn’t appropriate, and provides an opportunity for the hurt person to heal. By taking on the responsibility to sincerely apologize, an individual continues to build self-confidence and reinforce personal integrity. If you’re new to recovery and you’ve never made amends with loved ones before, you might be nervous or uncomfortable. Understandably, you might also be afraid of what the person’s reaction will be, feel very ashamed, or worry that your apology is too late.

• Living amends is a concept linked to addiction recovery and part of the twelve-step program for sober living.
• You likely have a lot of emotions surrounding the situation.
• If approaching the other person opens up old wounds or re-traumatizes them, making amends isn’t advisable.
• With all those articles (that you should go back and check out if you haven’t read them), it would be easy to assume we have said all there is to say.
• How you start these conversations depends on your relationship with the person you harmed and the circumstances in which you plan to make direct amends.

Residential Treatment Facility

Your sponsor or counselor can help you through this, but it may help to have examples of what making amends looks like. Making amends is an intentional action that will help you stay sober long-term. If you caused another person harm while you were addicted, there is a good chance that the issue will catch up with you in the future. There’s also a good chance it could become a trigger for relapse. Raven Rodriguez is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker passionate about helping individuals cope with life’s transitions. She is experienced in aiding those who have used unhealthy numbing mechanisms such as drugs, alcohol, sex, food, and self-harm.

Steps for Making Living Amends

In most cases, the offender owes apologies to the people closest to them, like their friends, parents, and children. Another example is a substance or alcohol-addicted adult child who regularly steals money, jewelry, and other valuable items from their elderly parent’s home. However, they may suddenly feel guilty and decide to change their ways. They can make a living amend to change their lifestyle, get sober, and stop stealing from their parent.

Making Indirect Amends

Genuinely express remorse.Just saying “I was wrong” is not enough. One must also show sorrow over what one did, how one hurt the other person and the pain it caused them. The Substance abuse offender must convey genuine feelings of remorse to successfully make amends. Making amends does not undoing the wrongdoing, just as forgiveness doesn’t undo the wrongdoing. Instead, it is an action we take to compensate for what we have done.

• An example would be telling someone how sorry you are that you stole from them and actually giving back what you took.
• As Kessler describes, this woman may decide that her way of making amends is to always answer the phone when someone she loves calls after a fight.
• Some might be too tested by prior behaviors and actions that they simply need space.

Today, I know my words have value whether they pay attention or not. If they didn’t pay attention, I do my best to let them suffer the consequence. If they take my words for granted, sometimes, I take a break from living amends meaning talking.

Looking for more support?

Surrounded by hills and forest, Serenity Knolls is a private campus providing rustic cabins, 12-Step treatment approach, and a family program. A lakefront oasis providing a continuum of personalized addiction treatment surrounded by scenic views with private rooms, luxury amenities, and group outings. It’s important to have a plan in place before we reach out. We can’t know for certain how another person will respond—or even how the interaction might affect us emotionally. So be sure to talk with your sponsor and/or support group about your plan in the event that you need support. Cake offers its users do-it-yourself online forms to complete their own wills and generalized educational content about wills.

• If you’re untrustworthy and unreliable, come to terms with those characteristics of yours.
• Reaching out to people you have hurt can be intimidating.
• With all those articles (that you should go back and check out if you haven’t read them), it would be easy to assume we have said all there is to say.

For example, your behavior may have caused severe damage that is not repairable. Or, the person you need to make amends to may not be around anymore. An indirect amend focuses less on immediately righting a wrong. Instead, indirect amends require that you commit to a new lifestyle and behavior moving forward to show that you have changed for the better.